01/29/2023 - 9:23PM
last time I went to a baby shower, was summer of 2022. I was pregnant with my second child, and cramping from what I thought was normal 1st trimester pains. I asked the host for a heating pad for my stomach, and obviously all the women attending thought it was for period cramps. It was so nice to have that secret to myself, but I was bursting at the seams wanting to spill my news (though that would've been a little tacky at a baby shower lmao) shortly after going to this baby shower, I miscarried.
today I went to a baby shower. I'm on my period, and I'm cramping pretty bad. my period and hormones are still very irregular since my miscarriage, but this is the first length of time between cycles that has been remotely close to a normal 28 days. I contemplated so hard not going today, because this full circle shit really blew my mind this morning.... but decided to anyways because this particular baby shower was for someone that struggled with fertility and miscarriage, and had gone through so much trying to get pregnant. last year when I heard her share about what she was going through, I couldn't even wrap my head around it, and didn't think I'd ever have to. but I get it now. the pain that was in her eyes is now a language I speak. feels weird having this thing that happened to me over 6 months ago come up and feel so raw all of a sudden. is this what suppressing emotions feels like?
on a more positive note, I am working with a personal trainer and working on getting in the best shape of my life. I also got an Apple Watch (vomit) to help me stay on track with my calories burned and consumed, and am just feeling so good about my health and body right now. I think having these workouts to look forward to 4 times a week is really one of the things keeping me afloat lol how can shit be so much in shambles but I feel good about things and where I'm at in life? now I'm just rambling. I talked to a therapist but felt like she wasn't a good fit for me, so am going to keep looking. wow look at you go! how adult. well this was fun going to go get in bed and start a new novel xo<3
01/20/2023 - 7:08AM
I know I said last year that I was going to get a therapist. the last two therapists I reached out to literally did not respond :0 wtf is that about? anyways, I just reached out to ANOTHER therapist, and hopefully they will get back to me and confirm my consultation. I'm the epitome of sick and tired lol I have not been okay these last few days. I carry so much on my shoulders and force myself into this strong woman role, when really I just want to be held, loved, taken care of. I want to have days where I can lay in bed all day and cry. I want to have room to be depressed if I need to. I have not given myself space to process ... I spoke briefly last year about something traumatic that happened and chose not to share it then. but now I guess I want to. in June I was pregnant for 4 weeks and was experiencing horrible pain, bleeding, and constipation. my OBGYN kept telling me not to worry, but I knew something was wrong... I ended up having my husband drive me to the ER only to find out that my pregnancy was ectopic and I needed to have emergency surgery to remove my left tube where baby was attached..... I was so excited to be having another child, already had a registry and was thinking of names. but God has another plan for me and my family. I guess you never understand the anger and emotions behind a miscarriage until you experience it in your own body. shortly after my miscarriage, I had to throw my daughter her 2nd birthday party. I just jumped back into life and chose not to process this trauma. I need to. there's so much I need to unpack and work through, because I am not okay right now. I'm so fucking triggered and my emotions are up and down (mostly down). I would say "I have so much on my plate" but that would insinuate that I'm being nourished. I am not being nourished. feels like I am holding all these other plates, feeding everyone else like a fucking balancing act while I wither away and starve. time for some changes I guess. not sure why I feel the need to share all this with you, this is my space I guess and I really just need to release. who knows, maybe this will help someone feel less alone. <33
12/31/2022 - 11:08PM
gossip girl, here. there's no better way to ring in the Gregorian new year than with a juicy journal entry. as listen to the proud Americans pop their fireworks, I can't help but be sentimental and write about my past 365 days and maybe even some resolutions. this year I learned that the most iconic, influential, important thing you can be in this world is yourself. building this website has been one of the most healing outlets for me as a creative. I took this year to be [mostly] off social media, go against the grain and do what feels right to me and no one else. I took the time to pause and figure out who I really am... and in doing so realized that finding yourself isn't a destination, it's the whole damn journey. I am so gracious to God for the life I've been given. my daughter and my husband are the coolest people alive, and I get to wake up every morning to their absurdly great faces. I have the freedom and support to reinvent myself over and over again. I'm happier than ever, no billie eilish. tomorrow may be a new year, but each morning is a new day. a clean slate to be a better version of myself. don't quote me on this, but I see very big things for myself in 2023. I'm setting intentions for each month and day, and am going to be more selective with what/who I give my attention to. December has taught me [the hard way] that I need to take better care if my body and spirit. because she's counting on me. my family and friends need me. also I read 34 books in 2022, next year I'm reading a thousand. okay, maybe I got carried away there. oh would you look at the time. happy New Years, babies. I love who you are. xoxo, Justiine
greetings earthlings. it is I!!!! long time no chat, eh? well lots going on around here lately, I'm sure it'll take me a few journal entries to catch you up. we are getting ready for holidays with all of our families, trying to stay healthy and happy at all costs. I'm in the process of updating my site theme and content; you will find journal entries and photos from this past year by clicking a little green link at the bottom of their respected tabs. [unless I change my mind and make these photos/posts unavailable to you, which will probably happen] my site uses a lot of data, so I think this will help with performance and also with keeping things organized and interesting! what else is new! I'm working on a career change, and should have very exciting news in January or February. I don't really share stuff like this on my socials.. but what to keep justiine.com personal and updated with who I (currently) am and what's going on! I know if you're here reading my journal, you must really care about me ((づ⸟ ³⸟)づ either that, or you're waiting for my downfall mwahaha you evil fucker.