brb, going thru it ┐(‘～`；)┌
this past week has been... fucking shitty. i'm debating going into detail here, because although i want to share parts of my personal life and let you all in on what's going on, this is just too heartbreaking and too intimate for me to discuss in detail. at least for now. maybe later i'll be open to it, but right now i just need time to process and heal physically and mentally and emotionally. it's interesting timing that i started my journey studying Jesus recently, because i have been talking to Him all week, praying for strength and understanding. i found a series called "Investigating Jesus" by Andy Stanley on youtube, and thought the title was pretty on brand for my research. in this series, Andy takes us through the Gospel of Luke and explains that this writing was never meant to be a religious text. Luke was actually writing a historical documentation of chronological events of the life of Jesus for some dude named Theophilus, who basically just wanted a clearer understanding of Jesus Christ. anyways, the series was great and i highly recommend, but one of my favorite takeaways from all this is something said in episode 5: "If you want to know God, you must first start with Jesus". Jesus is not only the SON of God, but he IS God in the flesh. Jesus was sent here to give us (humans) a closer understanding of who God really is. how to walk with the grace of Jesus. all that God is can be hard to understand, and can make you feel small and unseen. enter, Jesus. when i tell you this just clicked for me, and answered the main question i was struggling with. this may be common sense to some, but it was very enlightening for me. okay well, i don't have much else to talk about. thanks for reading my Bible story lol
*the first half of this diary entry has been deleted* today i harvested my second batch of radishes! i'll be honest, they didn't do too hot. there's a little unspoken gardening rule that you shouldn't plant the same crop in one spot until like 3 or 4 seasons later, so i think since i did the exact opposite of that, they just came out pretty shitty. you live and you learn, right? i also had to dead one of my tomato plants! she was not doing good at all, so i put her out of her sweet misery. luckily i have 7 other tomato plants that are thriving *birdman hands* also, i didn't take any pictures so sorry about that, friends. next time. i've also been studying the Bible a lot lately. specifically, Jesus Christ. i've been watching so many sermons and am almost done with a book called "Unmerited Favor" by Joseph Prince. my dad actually gave me this book like 12 years ago, and i never read it because i didn't like the guys hair on the cover lmfao. but honestly, it's been a great read and has clarified a lot of things for me. i've always been aware of God, but always kind of confused about Jesus and Easter and Christmas all this other stuff?? anyways, i'm enjoying the knowledge and hope it can continue to open my eyes the way it has been. ah, well, okay i guess i'm done blabbing for now. going to take my vitamins and hopefully finish this mediocre Greek mythology book i'm invested in.
Thank You, God ٩(^‿^)۶
today is a great day because Storie is walking again ヽ(‘ ∇‘ )ノit has been a looooooong two weeks, but we made it through that nightmare and the sky seems more blue, the grass more green. i'm just really happy that she's okay. she's literally blown away that her feet work and she can get around like she used to lol it's adorable. we still don't know for sure what was really going on, but i think it was a combination of temporary soreness, leading into a psychological boundary keeping her from trying to walk. thank you, God! my birthday was nice! my husband threw me a little 1-man celebration and cooked some vegan cheeseburger spring rolls for me! he did balloons and candles and the birthday song all by himself, what a cutie. he also gave me not only my birthday to celebrate, but the whole damn week was mine >:) mwahaha. anyways, it's good to be alive. 26 feels nice. i love getting older. like each year just feels more aligned to who i am at my core. i have bird feeders and shit now, i like to garden and read novels in the bathtub. in bed by 9, and up by 5. living slow, it's all so fitting. i'm so excited to have grey hair! and be an elder! i'm going to be at my 100th birthday like "mmm yes, this is spectacular" simply because i'm old and just know what the fuck is up. idk maybe that's just me. oh, i got a haircut yesterday! my girl Jen really goes off on my hair like omg, i'm absolutely, definitely feeling myself. see photos page for a pic! thanks for checking in on me! you a real 1
wanted to decompress real quick before i get in bed and read. three days ago, Storie fell down some steps while i was cooking dinner, and seems to have hurt her ankle??? it looked completely fine though so i decided not to take her into the dr. she refuses to walk on it, and i've been carrying her everywhere or she crawls. i started wrapping it and elevating it and calling it "boo boo foot" (i regret this so much lmao, you'll see why!) and we were having sick days watching movies and shit. so a couple people got into my head and convinced me to get it x-rayed. so we did that today. and let me just say that Storie was not having that shit and we were having to hold her down while the dude took x-rays of her feet and she was screaming and crying and by the time it was done, i was fucking crying too. if i can be frank, this whole fiasco is my fault and this all could've been avoided. so i kind of feel like shit. oh, here's the best part! her foot looks normal, and they couldn't find anything wrong with it? so when we got home today, i pulled out all these different toys that encourage her to climb and stand and do stuff. and she literally climbed with both of her feet? idk it's just all confusing and a lot and i'm stressed out and just want her to walk again. my head was pounding all day, but it feels nice now. i'm also on my period which is always a bummer because shhhh i want to be pregnant again don't tell anyone!! anyways, tomorrow is my birthday. yay! also one of my tomato plants has TINY BABY TOMATOES ON IT???? that was literally the best part of my day. i'll upload some pics on my photos page. ok that's all i think sorry for complaining i just needed to brain vomit real quick okkk peace
ahhhhh hiiiii so i'm back. i'm alive. i survived. actually contrary to what i thought was going to happen, i was totally fine after weaning Storie. i was leaking for like a day just a little bit, and was barely engorged. no pain. it was really more so the anticipation that something was going to go wrong or i'd be uncomfortable, but i was totally fine. am totally fine. story of my life. yeehaw. anyways! i have some exciting garden updates! today i had my first harvest!!! it was only radishes (which are literally foolproof to grow, and have the lifecycle of about 30 days), but i'm still so proud of myself for bringing this gardening journey into existence for myself. i started out 20+ plants from seed in oatmilk cartons in my kitchen, and now have a full swing absolutely stellar garden bed that i'll surely share photos of here. Storie has been going to the garden with me every morning to water and check on things, and I'm so grateful that she gets to grow up with this experience of the Earth and the magic that she has to offer us. i went to a yoga class this morning, a different teacher than my usual faves and omg i wanted to rip my eyes out. the class was hard as hell. and the lady was annoying me. so i left a little early :) and went on the stair master :) and then i read The Becoming by Nora Roberts in the sauna :) well, i'm pooped. i wanted to wash my hair today but... i'm pooped and am going to do it tmrr. bless this mess. xo ^L^
today is a special day. one that i think deserves proper documentation. first and foremost, today Storie turns 21 months old. my big girl. my love number. she's going to be two in a few months. what even is time. today was also the last day i nursed her. i think we are both ready to close this chapter and expand even further into our relationship. since she has been nursing only once a day (before bed) for a while now, i don't really expect repercussions until tomorrow evening. if any at all. i honestly think she'll be fine, i'm more worried about myself physically and emotionally. i've heard postpartum depression returns when you wean, and there's also the worry of any sort of clogged duct, swollen lymphs, mastitis and all that terrifying milky boobie stuff. everyone's different, but it could be hellish. or maybe i'll literally be just fine. i guess time will tell. tune in this time next week to find out if Justiine will survive the wean. i do expect to be pretty engorged and leaky this week, but i am truly so glad to be finished. this is my baby we're talking about. growing up. so, mixed feelings are definitely there. tears are definitely in my eyes right now. but really, so happy. cheers to breastfeeding for six hundred and forty consecutive days. okay logging off, going to read my Nora Roberts now. love you, baby
good evening ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. the time is 10:16 pm and i am 100% supposed to be in bed right now but i couldn't sleep and decided to get up and write to you all. i have a lot on my mind. today i realized how truly happy i am to be here and to be who i am living this life. i am so full of love. for myself, for Storie, for my husband, my friends, my family, the universe. that cliche thing that people love to say after a breakup or put as a caption under some random pic. "I've never been happier." yeah. i'm there. i'm really, really happy. anyways, i have a lot going on this weekend, maybe that's why i can't sleep. sound familiar? tomorrow i'm going to a prenatal/postnatal yoga workshop in the morning, and then going to an open house at this ranch i found online. this house is so fucking cool, i wish i could share the link but i'm kind of manifesting it as my next home right now and ya'll don't need my future address. Sunday will be my first day in the garden!!! i went to visit it today to see what i'll be working with. whoever had that plot before grew a shit ton of kale, peppers, and herbs. there's a lot of weeding for me to do, but i'm excited to learn. and excited to make it my own. pics coming soon. my phone is in the other room. i feel like a little kid under the covers with a flashlight doing something i'm not supposed to be doing. my internal mother is scolding me. it really is past my bedtime though lol i just had to release my brain for a sec. okay time 4sleep (￣。￣)～ｚｚｚ
well, i have news :) i am officially a proud member of my community garden association, and i have a home for my seedlings! *phew* what a relief. although... i mapped out my 4 x 8 garden bed weeks ago, and visualized it almost every day since i applied for the plot. so perhaps i manifested this and it is not such a coincidence after all. today Storie and i went to the park with her cousin and my sister. it was so beautiful, especially after all the rain we've been having. the playground had just been mulched and still smelled fresh. as we were leaving, a woman and her 2 year old daughter were arriving and we stopped to be cordial and say hello. shortly after meeting her, she started asking if we came to this park often and insisted (twice) that i take her number to "let her know next time so we could get together." i was obviously uncomfortable and so was my sister, but i awkwardly took my phone out and put her number in... this was a test for me to state a boundary. i failed the test, but not without knowing where i went wrong. i should've said something like "i actually don't give my number out to people that i don't know" or said "'i'm sure we'll see you around" or just redirected the conversation completely. i kind of felt bad for her. i wanted to tell her about an app called Peanut that's like Tinder for moms, where i actually met an amazing woman that i've been getting together with lately and can see myself being close with as our kids grow. i've noticed that a lot of moms will meet women with kids the same age as theirs, and that will be enough to set up playdates or exchange information. hell to the motha fuckin no. that's just not for me. these days, my ears start bleeding if i get sucked into small talk. i shrink myself to fit into those conversations. avoid NPC's at all costs. that woman at the park was an NPC. i deleted her number as i was leaving the neighborhood, and i can't wait for my next boundary test with a stranger. thanks for reading (▰˘◡˘▰)
tomorrow was better. i think getting my emotions out on virtual paper helped me compartmentalize and understand my feelings. i also started my period shortly after my last entry teehee, so perhaps that was a factor. i don't usually get so down like that before my cycle, but i don't think that was the cause... just the icing on the cake. anyways i'm feeling a lot better. i mustered up the energy to wash my hair this morning so i'm feeling brand new. i have noticed a regression in the way i show up for myself. i stopped going to yoga. i stopped waking up early, and woke up when the baby did. no meditating or breathing practice. time to turn this submarine around. i simply cannot function to the highest degree when i'm not pouring into myself every day. i don't have the capacity to hold anything when i'm so empty. a little contradicting, but that's what it is. my focus is on me now. i haven't cried in like 3 days. i'm reading two books right now- one for growth, one for leisure. reading is so fucking underrated. there's this pic i saw on instagram a while back of a man and his three kids all sitting on the subway, all reading their own different books, minding their business. what a dream (✿ ♥‿♥) Storie loves to read, i'm going to nurture that so we can read together quietly one day. this time of reflection is allowing me to recalibrate towards my goals. changing my settings to the scenic route, no highways or tolls. life is beautiful, eh? thanks for reading <3
dear diary, i am feeling sad and tired. i don't remember the last time i've cried this much. i'm trying to pinpoint what's triggering me, but it's kinda giving 2018 crippling anxiety Justiine - sober mom edition. the circumstances are completely different though.. or are they? my energy level is stupid low, like all i did was go to the grocery store today and a few hours later i almost fell out i was so sleepy. i have been distancing myself from everybody because the energy transfer that comes with even a simple conversation is just too much for me. not to mention people love to call me just to dump a steaming pile of shit on me, blow kisses and say "ok ttyl sis". i'm so tired man ;( i don't have the energy for relationships right now, as fucked up as that sounds. i feel like i need me more than ever. and i don't want to share. not now. i met up with a friend the other day (hi coco ilyy) she told me about a book that she's reading "Set Boundaries, Find Peace". it covers what boundaries are and how to set them in relationships. perfect timing. it's crazy because i'm only 50 pages in and i fully recognize exactly what boundaries need to be set in my life and with whom/what. i almost don't want to see or talk to anyone until i finish this damn book lol. maybe nothing has really changed, and i'm just more hyper aware of what's going on? i think i need to simplify my life in like every way possible, because i feel like i'm drowning all of a sudden. the most beautiful thoughts are always beside the darkest. tomorrow will be better.
i'm baaaaackkkk wow what an adventure, our trip was wonderful and much needed. we decided to uber to the airport and omg our driver was literally dozing off while she was driving us! so on the way back from the airport, we dropped $200 on an uber black car and i will never use regular uber again lmfaoooo the comparison is insane. the comfort and assurance that your driver is a trained professional is priceless. anyways, the house we stayed in was immaculate. like Navarro from Ozark would've vacationed there. some real life Pablo Escobar energy. my favorite part was just being in the sun. and seeing all the tropical plants and trees. we were able to catch the sunrise one day at point Udall, which is the eastern most point in the US. the sand on the beach was soft, and Storie's obsession with water bas officially been activated. it's a Cancer thing, i guess. speaking of baby book, she's going through an extremely clingy mommy phase right now. she also slept right next to me on the vacation which probably didn't help the situation. it's annoying af , but then i think about how stressful it must be for my husband- whenever he picks her up she starts screaming "mommy mommy mommy!!!" oh and speaking of screaming, she's been doing a whole lot of that lately :) my patience is thin :) this too shall pass. i asked a friend to babysit my seedlings while we were gone and omg they're so big now. my tomatoes have so many more leaves, my bell peppers are looking so strong and my lavender sprouted!!! that's super exciting because lavender is apparently not easy to grow. i'm going to upload some pics of our trip and the plants on my photos page in a few. i'm happy to be home and getting back into the swing of things again. thanks for being here, ily ≧◡≦
hello, it is me, Justine. today we leave for vacay, and i wanted to do an update before we go. i'm not bringing my laptop because that shit is busted and crashes every 30 seconds, but i am bringing some books which is just as good if not better ;) it's currently 3:45 am and i could not go back to sleep. i usually can't sleep before a trip or wake up super ready to go with all the energy regardless of how much rest i had. i actually have this memory of me as a really young child waking up around this time, getting showered and dressed and waking up my parents around 5am like "uhhh ya'll ready to go?" they just laughed at me. i think we were going to Florida or something. i would call this fun little characteristic mania, and i guess i've had it since i was a child. yeah so i think i'm bipolar lmao. i came to this conclusion a few years ago, but it was way worse back then because i was smoking a butt ton of weed and drinking pretty often. my highs were high, and my lows were low and they both came often... not listening to my higher self at all >.< i was such a mess. but idk these past few days i've been like, tuned into it, watching my patterns and stuff. i'm trying to map myself out i guess so i can figure out how to just be more aware of what i'm doing and manage it. i would love to find a therapist too, but we'll see. once you get diagnosed with something like this on the record, that shit is like on the record for life. then they start trying to give you pills and all this goofy shit. we don't fuck with big pharma over here, find me an actual healer with the herbs and tinctures and shit. i wonder if my homeopathic doctor has anything for manic bipolar disorder lmfao. hey, you never know. anyways, wish me luck on my big adventure today! i'll be sure to take lots of pics and definitely not post everything on instagram! peace out homies ヾ｜￣ー￣｜ﾉ
dear diary, life is beautiful. i've been just chillin, getting organized for the trip next week. i always get a little manic when i'm planning something big like this, but then i get to really chill and enjoy myself. one of the most satisfying feelings is being prepared for something that you know will happen, and then in the moment thinking "damn, i really got my back". like when your mom packs a wet wipe in your elementary school lunch cuz she knows your hands gonna be sticky af after that pb&j. i live for the ~synchronicity~. *sigh* i still haven't found a place to grow food yet but i am currently growing some cherry tomato seedlings in my window sill!!! they sprouted like a whole inch today shit was wild. i'll insert some pics on my photo page for you all to marvel at. it's crazy how life changes, people change, priorities change. three years ago i was worried about clout and now i'm worried about finding proper growing conditions for my bby tomatoes. it's really the simple things, man. i'm so grateful to be finding out more about myself each day, and who i really am at the core. i feel blessed to be existing and experiencing <humanness>. i'm enjoying being here. i hope you all are too, it's no coincidence that we're both here existing at the same time. i love you thanks for listening to my justiine talk (づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ
ahhhh today was interesting. i didn't even do much but i also did a lot, you know? okay so i've been secretly planning & manifesting a garden... and by secretly i mean telling everyone in know, including you. it was going to be small and quaint and just a few vegetables, but i'm unfortunately a go big or go home type of gal. so i bought many seeds and watched many videos and started a whole ass gardening journal. what i completely failed to do is calculate how much sunlight my backyard has, but this morning i decided to track the light by the hour to see what we're working with. oh boy, here's the best part! absolutely no light hits the back of my house lmaooo so basically, my plants would not be living their best lives. i am now reevaluating my entire life and taking inventory of what is actually meaningful and what is a waste of time. somehow this venture has lead me down the rabbit hole of realization. i won't go much more into detail because something i am working on is not oversharing my dreams, but just know i'm up in the air ●‿● i hope you enjoy your stay at justiine.com! peace out ya'll
coming to you live and direct from my secret lair, i just got done picking a huge booger out of Storie's nose!!! don't tell anyone but i look forward to getting her boogies every evening before bed. it's the little things, you know. so i officially dropped my site to the public! hey ya'lllll (⊙‿⊙✿) i'm glad everyone's enjoying my special project. being off insta for a month has clearly given me a lot of free time. how am i liking being back on the gram? i'm not :P today was cool, i found this new mediterranean place that i've been loving, they have these fucking olives. they are so creamy and buttery, like no olive i've ever seen before lol. their hummus is #1 on my list too. the restaurant is called Rumi's for anyone wanting to peep the vibe. i slept through my alarm and didn't go to the gym today, so definitely going in the morning. we go on vacation in 3 weeks, so i'll just be spending my time hyper focusing & over-planning the trip and making sure everything doesn't fall apart. i'm thinking about vlogging some of the trip, but my feelings toward youtube are mixed right now. i love making videos, but i don't want to spend as much time editing like i was before. definitely want to dial down the perfectionism. i'm super drawn to more realistic ppl and content on social media right now, i'd love to be apart of that. anyways, i'm going to research flight approved carseats and clean up toys and take a bath and read and go to sleep! live your life! happy bday uncle O ☾xx
today was v chill, i went and got a pedicure and omg it was luxurious i mean Fergie - Glamorous type beat this lady rubbed fresh oranges on my legs after she exfoliated them... vitamin c, much wonderful. anyways, i have decided to partake in a family vacation next month and i am so pumped. we haven't been on vacay since i was pregnant two years ago! we're going to the virgin islands to stay in this phat ass mansion with some other family members. i can't wait to show Storie the beach and sand and ocean and stuff. palm trees. there's a few vegan restaurants on the island and i intend to experience every single one of them, obviously. big taurus energy. as we approach the end of January, i'm thinking about what to post on ig to announce my new site. it can't be boring, but i also don't want to overthink it. taking a whole month off insta has taught me that i need to learn to be myself again, especially online. i overthink about how i'm making other people feel and how people may view me (particularly family and industry ppl) but truly... being anything other than myself is only doing a disservice to humanity. the goal is 2 just be me <3 i wish the same for you. all of this trying to look cool shit is so out the window, lets move on together lmao. i added a links page with more of my thoughts on this topic and so many cool sources for you to explore, definitely check that out! anyways i'm going to clean the kitchen and probably take a bath and continue living my humble life! luv u 4ever (>‘o’)>
jesus christ nobody really tells you how much work it is being a mom. i mean like they sort of tell you, but unless you grow a kid in your womb and birth it and care for it then you have no fucking clue:) i just put little mama down for bedtime, and wanted to update my ~*diary~*. i stayed up suuuuper late last night (11:00pm!!) so i couldn't wake up extra early like i usually do. i never want to get out of bed once i realize i'm awake and alive lol. but this simply must be done when you have a small human in the house. justiine.com is still not available to the public. building this site has taken over all of my free time, but i'm so happy because for a second i thought i was just no longer a creative person. my mom life is so different from my pre-mom <aspiring pop star> life. i'm on a schedule and shit now. not a bad thing, but definitely different. sometimes i forget who i am and who i have been in the past. just me? ok lol. all we really have is now though, there is no past or future, so that's fun! :@ tomorrow is wednesday, which means i'm waking up at 4am to hit the gym and get swole. sounds horrific but it's part of my me time and it's a vibe and i luv it. anyways going to bed now
wow my first diary entry. there's so much I want to write about but I've been sitting here working on this site most of the day and my feet are so fucking cold and I'm low-key uncomfortable. but I wanted to write something sooooooo:) welcome to my new and improved website! I would like to say that my site renovation was heavily inspired by Kreayshawn, but then I found a bunch of other sites like hers so now I don't feel like such a rip off. honestly, this page makes me so happy and feels like a true reflection of my mind and personality. I hope this can be a place that I can check in often and let you all know what's going on in Justiine world. I'm so inconsistent with IG and YouTube, it sucks. but honestly those platforms are so corrupt now and give me a headache. I actually deleted the instagram app on December 31, and haven't been on it all month. it's been actually an amazing experience, highly recommend. this is way more fun. my little virtual garden. awww thanks for being here! this is the start of a beautiful thing. going to take a hot bath now before bed!
luv u all <3
"waiting for my
game to load"
26 years old