date: 08/25/2022
ahhh wtf it's been over a month since my last entry. hi there. it's currently 8:07 AM and i'm about to go take a shower and get ready for another fantastic day on planet Earth. i just had to read my last entry to see where we left off LMAO well my mouth it a lot better, praise God. i mentioned last month that i had something exciting going on, and i would share once completed.... WELL I GOT MY GED muwahaha and i'm now educationally equivalent to a high school graduate! yay me, honestly i'm so proud of myself. i was so misguided and lost in high school, i was so focused on smoking weed and boys and music lol i dropped out as a junior AND quit my job and never looked back (until now). it's amazing the rebirth one has as a mother. i probably would've  never gone back for my diploma is it weren't for Storie. i plan on schooling her myself, and in order to apply for homeschool you need a diploma or GED! would ya look at that. so, now that that's complete, i have something ELSE really exciting going on that i will share with you upon completion! i highly recommend this, btw. only sharing things upon completion. it feels literally so good popping out with a new accomplishment!!! i only told like two people about my GED, and surprised my parents and it was so so good. plus, what if you start something, and decide it's not for you and move to something else? best to keep ppl out your business, ya hear? ya'll go on now. LMAO jk anyways. i think i'm getting a cat tomorrow. there's a stray in my mother-in-law's neighborhood that we're going to try and take in. we have already decided that his name is Chester French. i pray to God that this goes better than the dog we adopted earlier this year and literally had to return to the rescue because he was literally a terrorist. God Bless America, enjoy your evening, now, ya hear?


date: 07/21/2022
hello friends, i hope you all are well (●´ω｀●) i'm starting to wonder if anyone even reads these journal entries lmao. i guess this is more for me right now than for everybody else. which is how it should be, honestly. i've been in an overwhelming season lately. a couple weeks after my situation in June (which i've decided i'm not going to get into detail about here), i started having dental/gum issues. i went to two dentists and then finally went to see a gum specialist, and i just had a procedure done this past Tuesday to remove a BONE that was coming out of my GUMS and also to remove a SWOLLEN SALIVA GLAND??? basically an area of my gums was like swelling and rupturing over and over again and it was disgusting and this is the last time i'm ever going to talk about it because i'm so over it. everything went well though, and i'm on day 3 of recovery, off the ibuprofens lol. basically my life has been consumed with doctors and books and church lately. to be clear, i'm not complaining, i'm just expressing myself / venting. i have quickly come to terms with the fact that all the trauma i've been experiencing the past month or so is for a reason that only God can understand now. i'm just kind of riding this wave of whatever the fuck this is. working on maintaining my faith in THE LORD Jesus Christ. eventually, i'll be able to look back on this summer and say "ohhh, okay" because that's just the way it works. oh! also, my baby turned 2 :) well that's all i have for you (me?) now, but exciting things have been recently planted in fertile soil, and you better believe that i will share my harvest with you when the time comes <3 love


date: 06/23/2022
brb, going thru it ┐(‘～`；)┌


date: 06/12/2022
this past week has been... fucking shitty. i'm debating going into detail here, because although i want to share parts of my personal life and let you all in on what's going on, this is just too heartbreaking and too intimate for me to discuss in detail. at least for now. maybe later i'll be open to it, but right now i just need time to process and heal physically and mentally and emotionally. it's interesting timing that i started my journey studying Jesus recently, because i have been talking to Him all week, praying for strength and understanding.  i found a series called "Investigating Jesus" by Andy Stanley on youtube, and thought the title was pretty on brand for my research. in this series, Andy takes us through the Gospel of Luke and explains that this writing was never meant to be a religious text. Luke was actually writing a historical  documentation of chronological events of the life of Jesus for some dude named Theophilus, who basically just wanted a clearer understanding of Jesus Christ.  anyways, the series was great and i highly recommend, but one of my favorite takeaways from all this is something said in episode 5: "If you want to know God, you must first start with Jesus".  Jesus is not only the SON of God, but he IS God in the flesh. Jesus was sent here to give us (humans) a closer understanding of who God really is. how to walk with the grace of Jesus. all that God is can be hard to understand, and can make you feel small and unseen. enter, Jesus.  when i tell you this just clicked for me, and answered the main question i was struggling with. this may be common sense to some, but it was very enlightening for me. okay well, i don't have much else to talk about. thanks for reading my Bible story lol 

date: 05/29/2022
*the first half of this diary entry has been deleted*  today i harvested my second batch of radishes! i'll be honest, they didn't do too hot. there's a little unspoken gardening rule that you shouldn't plant the same crop in one spot until like 3 or 4 seasons later, so i think since i did the exact opposite of that, they just came out pretty shitty. you live and you learn, right? i also had to dead one of my tomato plants! she was not doing good at all, so i put her out of her sweet misery. luckily i have 7 other tomato plants that are thriving *birdman hands* also, i didn't take any pictures so sorry about that, friends. next time. i've also been studying the Bible a lot lately. specifically, Jesus Christ. i've been watching so many sermons and am almost done with a book called "Unmerited Favor" by Joseph Prince. my dad actually gave me this book like 12 years ago, and i never read it because i didn't like the guys hair on the cover lmfao. but honestly, it's been a great read and has clarified a lot of things for me. i've always been aware of God, but always kind of confused about Jesus and Easter and Christmas all this other stuff?? anyways, i'm enjoying the knowledge and hope it can continue to open my eyes the way it has been. ah, well, okay i guess i'm done blabbing for now. going to take my vitamins and hopefully finish this mediocre Greek mythology book i'm invested in.
Thank You, God   ٩(^‿^)۶


date: 05/20/2022
today is a great day because Storie is walking again ヽ(‘ ∇‘ )ノit has been a looooooong two weeks, but we made it through that nightmare and the sky seems more blue, the grass more green. i'm just really happy that she's okay. she's literally blown away that her feet work and she can get around like she used to lol it's adorable. we still don't know for sure what was really going on, but i think it was a combination of temporary soreness, leading into a psychological boundary keeping her from trying to walk. thank you, God! my birthday was nice! my husband threw me a little 1-man celebration and cooked some vegan cheeseburger spring rolls for me! he did balloons and candles and the birthday song all by himself, what a cutie. he also gave me not only my birthday to celebrate, but the whole damn week was mine >:) mwahaha. anyways, it's good to be alive. 26 feels nice. i love getting older. like each year just feels more aligned to who i am at my core. i have bird feeders and shit now, i like to garden and read novels in the bathtub. in bed by 9, and up by 5. living slow, it's all so fitting. i'm so excited to have grey hair! and be an elder! i'm going to be at my 100th birthday like "mmm yes, this is spectacular" simply because i'm old and just know what the fuck is up. idk maybe that's just me. oh, i got a haircut yesterday! my girl Jen really goes off on my hair like omg, i'm absolutely, definitely feeling myself. see photos page for a pic! thanks for checking in on me! you a real 1


date: 05/09/2022
wanted to decompress real quick before i get in bed and read. three days ago, Storie fell down some steps while i was cooking dinner, and seems to have hurt her ankle??? it looked completely fine though so i decided not to take her into the dr. she refuses to walk on it, and i've been carrying her everywhere or she crawls. i started wrapping it and elevating it and calling it "boo boo foot" (i regret this so much lmao, you'll see why!) and we were having sick days watching movies and shit. so a couple people got into my head and convinced me to get it x-rayed. so we did that today. and let me just say that Storie was not having that shit and we were having to hold her down while the dude took x-rays of her feet and she was screaming and crying and by the time it was done, i was fucking crying too. if i can be frank,  this whole fiasco is my fault and this all could've been avoided. so i kind of feel like shit. oh, here's the best part! her foot looks normal, and they couldn't find anything wrong with it? so when we got home today, i pulled out all these different toys that encourage her to climb and stand and do stuff. and she literally climbed with both of her feet? idk it's just all confusing and a lot and i'm stressed out and just want her to walk again. my head was pounding all day, but it feels nice now. i'm also on my period which is always a bummer because shhhh i want to be pregnant again don't tell anyone!! anyways, tomorrow is my birthday. yay! also one of my tomato plants has TINY BABY TOMATOES ON IT???? that was literally the best part of my day. i'll upload some pics on my photos page. ok that's all i think sorry for complaining i just needed to brain vomit real quick okkk peace 


date: 04/29/2022
ahhhhh hiiiii so i'm back. i'm alive. i survived. actually contrary to what i thought was going to happen, i was totally fine after weaning Storie. i was leaking for like a day just a little bit, and was barely engorged. no pain. it was really more so the anticipation that something was going to go wrong or i'd be uncomfortable, but i was totally fine. am totally fine. story of my life. yeehaw. anyways! i have some exciting garden updates! today i had my first harvest!!! it was only radishes (which are literally foolproof to grow, and have the lifecycle of about 30 days), but i'm still so proud of myself for bringing this gardening journey into existence for myself. i started out 20+ plants from seed in oatmilk cartons in my kitchen, and now have a full swing absolutely stellar garden bed that i'll surely share photos of here. Storie has been going to the garden with me every morning to water and check on things, and I'm so grateful that she gets to grow up with this experience of the Earth and the magic that she has to offer us. i went to a yoga class this morning, a different teacher than my usual faves and omg i wanted to rip my eyes out. the class was hard as hell. and the lady was annoying me. so i left a little early :) and went on the stair master :) and then i read The Becoming by Nora Roberts in the sauna :) well, i'm pooped. i wanted to wash my hair today but... i'm pooped and am going to do it tmrr. bless this mess. xo ^L^


date: 04/10/2022
today is a special day. one that i think deserves proper documentation. first and foremost, today Storie turns 21 months old. my big girl. my love number. she's going to be two in a few months. what even is time. today was also the last day i nursed her. i think we are both ready to close this chapter and expand even further into our relationship. since she has been nursing only once a day (before bed) for a while now, i don't really expect repercussions until tomorrow evening. if any at all. i honestly think she'll be fine, i'm more worried about myself physically and emotionally. i've heard postpartum depression returns when you wean, and there's also the worry of any sort of clogged duct, swollen lymphs, mastitis and all that terrifying milky boobie stuff. everyone's different, but it could be hellish. or maybe i'll literally be just fine. i guess time will tell. tune in this time next week to find out if Justiine will survive the wean. i do expect to be pretty engorged and leaky this week, but i am truly so glad to be finished. this is my baby we're talking about. growing up. so, mixed feelings are definitely there. tears are definitely in my eyes right now. but really, so happy. cheers to breastfeeding for six hundred and forty consecutive days. okay logging off, going to read my Nora Roberts now. love you, baby


date: 03/25/2022
good evening ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. the time is 10:16 pm and i am 100% supposed to be in bed right now but i couldn't sleep and decided to get up and write to you all. i have a lot on my mind. today i realized how truly happy i am to be here and to be who i am living this life. i am so full of love. for myself, for Storie, for my husband, my friends, my family, the universe. that cliche thing that people love to say after a breakup or put as a caption under some random pic. "I've never been happier." yeah. i'm there. i'm really, really happy. anyways, i have a lot going on this weekend, maybe that's why i can't sleep. sound familiar? tomorrow i'm going to a prenatal/postnatal yoga workshop in the morning, and then going to an open house at this ranch i found online. this house is so fucking cool, i wish i could share the link but i'm kind of manifesting it as my next home right now and ya'll don't need my future address. Sunday will be my first day in the garden!!! i went to visit it today to see what i'll be working with. whoever had that plot before grew a shit ton of kale, peppers, and herbs. there's a lot of weeding for me to do, but i'm excited to learn. and excited to make it my own. pics coming soon. my phone is in the other room. i feel like a little kid under the covers with a flashlight doing something i'm not supposed to be doing. my internal mother is scolding me. it really is past my bedtime though lol i just had to release my brain for a sec. okay time 4sleep (￣。￣)～ｚｚｚ


date: 03/17/2022
well, i have news :) i am officially a proud member of my community garden association, and i have a home for my seedlings! *phew* what a relief. although... i mapped out my 4 x 8 garden bed weeks ago, and visualized it almost every day since i applied for the plot. so perhaps i manifested this and it is not such a coincidence after all. today Storie and i went to the park with her cousin and my sister. it was so beautiful, especially after all the rain we've been having. the playground had just been mulched and still smelled fresh. as we were leaving, a woman and her 2 year old daughter were arriving and we stopped to be cordial and say hello. shortly after meeting her, she started asking if we came to this park often and insisted (twice) that i take her number to "let her know next time so we could get together." i was obviously uncomfortable and so was my sister, but i awkwardly took my phone out and put her number in... this was a test for me to state a boundary. i failed the test, but not without knowing where i went wrong. i should've said something like "i actually don't give my number out to people that i don't know" or said "'i'm sure we'll see you around" or just redirected the conversation completely. i kind of felt bad for her. i wanted to tell her about an app called Peanut that's like Tinder for moms, where i actually met an amazing woman that i've been getting together with lately and can see myself being close with as our kids grow. i've noticed that a lot of moms will meet women with kids the same age as theirs, and that will be enough to set up playdates or exchange information. hell to the motha fuckin no. that's just not for me. these days, my ears start bleeding if i get sucked into small talk. i shrink myself to fit into those conversations. avoid NPC's at all costs. that woman at the park was an NPC. i deleted her number as i was leaving the neighborhood, and i can't wait for my next boundary test with a stranger. thanks for reading (▰˘◡˘▰)

<3